Matthew 18: 15-20
This week at Chapel we’re going to talk about forgiveness. The way I see it there are three types of forgiveness that affect us daily. 1. Forgiveness between the self and another. 2. Forgiveness of ourselves. And 3. Forgiveness between God and us.
The first is what our Gospel text talks to us about today. Jesus tells us if we have an issue with another person, go talk directly with that person. As a mom, I often end up forcing my kids to do this with each other. Ok, now go say you’re sorry. Then they give a canned answer, ‘sorry’ says one, ‘sorry’ says the other then they go off and play. Or maybe head to another room to beat each other up so I don’t see it. Either way, their argument over a toy or who won a game or whatever is over and neither of them thinks of it again.
It’s not so easy when we get a bit older. People tick us off, they wound us, they break down our self esteem, they break our hearts, they can sometimes make us angrier than we thought of ourselves as capable of being. Sometimes the wound goes deeper and we begin to think of ourselves as unlovable or somehow damaged goods. I’ve had people in my life who have left me hurt, broken, crying, and depressed. I felt ashamed that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to care so deeply. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’m fairly certain I have left others in the same state.
Jesus asks us to reconcile with those people. I’m not sure about you, but that can be tough stuff, maybe even seem impossible. It’s not like we’re kids anymore and can say a quick sorry and forget about it. These wounds are too deep. My perspective on life has changed. We now doubt ourselves and humanity.
Regardless, Jesus encourages us to try. To try and reconcile. If it doesn’t work, he says ‘take backup’ or in other words, bring someone who can help you communicate. It feels good to be forgiven when you know you’ve really messed up. It feels good to say, I apologize and take accountability for my actions. Sometimes if we listen and try to be honest, we can realize that we’re both humans trying to get along in this world and maybe it’s best that we do it separately.
You may be saying, Angie, but you don’t know how deep these wounds go. And you’re right, I don’t. Maybe sitting down and reconciling with the person is not possible, a good idea, or safe. What happens to forgiveness then? I want to encourage you to think about forgiveness here in a different way. Sometimes we get an idea that when we forgive someone we are saying that whatever you did to me was ok. Some things are just not ok. I think you can generate a list of things in your head. Abuse, apathy, words that tear down, destructive behavior, and on and on. These things are not ok, and God agrees that these are not ok either.
How are we to forgive these things? Or with people who we aren’t able to have a reconciliation conversation with? Here, forgiveness is not about what they have done, but it is about how you choose to live. It’s saying to the situation and the person, “I am going to let God handle this hurt so I can continue through my life as a healthy and whole person. I am going to rise above this pain by letting it go, Not because what happened is permissible or ok, but because I don’t want to live with this hurt any longer.” In my life this has sometimes been a daily decision. I have had to wake up and say, “today I don’t want to live with this hurt, instead I’m going to forgive it and let God deal with it and the person who hurt me.” It’s not reason or cause to stay in situations where you are continually being hurt, because If you are I want to encourage you to get help or get out. But it’s letting go of the burden of living with the pain and trusting God to handle it.
The second type of forgiveness is one I have spent a great deal of time on. It’s self-forgiveness. When I was in college I was active in University Ministry and other campus leadership positions. However, my sophomore year, I got pregnant. I decided to keep my son, but as a result I was asked to leave my leadership positions, because I was not a good ‘role model’ and I should ‘feel guilty’ because I was a sinner. (Now, for the record, this was not at Grand View and I don’t think the same response would come from Grand View.) I was so full of guilt and shame that I spent much of my time in my room crying. One night my grandma called and said to me,” Angie sometimes God gives us the gift of tears.” And she reminded me that, “There was nothing I could do that could separate me from the love of God.” Nothing? Really? I was a pregnant teenager. My parents felt ashamed of me, my friends didn’t know how to help me, my boyfriend was going through his own stuff, I felt alone. My grandma said, “Angie, be proud of this baby, because once he’s here everyone’s gonna forget all this ridiculousness. Forgive yourself and you might as well feel proud now.” This message of love from my grandma led me to walk down a path of forgiving myself. I was human, it happened. Having sex before marriage was a mistake, but God doesn’t make mistake children. Chase has been a wonderful gift to me that I do not regret.
Forgiving myself always seems harder than forgiving other people. I forget why Jesus came and I seek to be a savior to myself. I think If I’m good enough I can atone for the bad things I have done. Or If I prove that I am worth it to other people then maybe I’ll be able to feel better about the times I know I have fallen short of what God wants for me.
But God knows that I’m going to fall short. Which leads us to the third type of forgiveness. Forgiveness between God and me. God gives us the law which shows us the places in which we fall short of his desires for us. He is a just God. We’re all sinners. However, we cannot save ourselves. Therefore, he sent Jesus to save us. Here was Jesus, the son of God and the only perfect person. Jesus substituted himself for us to carry the burden of our sins on himself. He suffered our punishment for us so that we are blameless before God. We don’t have to worry about our salvation, instead we can go about free to try and live lives that matter on this earth. We are given the chance to say ‘thank you’ to God by seeking to help others and to live out his commandments. It’s our response to the forgiveness that we receive. We can respond in a number of ways.
- By forgiving ourselves
- By forgiving others
- By seeking justice
- By living lives of integrity
- By risking vulnerability
- By loving kindness
- By advocating for others
And more and more. We do these, not because we have to to be ‘good Christians’ but because God gives us the freedom to be able to. We are free from our sins that keep us trapped either resenting ourselves or resenting other people. We can offer forgiveness, knowing that God has it covered. Then we can live lives of freedom in Christ.
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